Does the perfect camera gear bag exist? Is it possible to design one?

Permit me to remove the suspense before I even start. There's no such thing as a perfect camera gear bag.

I've been in the midst of a discussion for a couple of months about the perfect camera gear bag. Many photographers have two, three, four, perhaps more camera gear bags. For this article I counted mine. I have seven camera gear bags, plus Pelican cases for shipping or hauling gear for various special shoots.

The problem is, all bags have some strengths and weaknesses. Many bags are general purpose, while others are for specific uses.

There are shoulder bags, belt bags, belt systems, sling bags, roller bags, and backpacks to haul photo gear. I use a backpack when in transit, a smaller backpack hiking, when shooting wildlife images, a Dryzone backpack by Lowepro for rain, snow, rainforests or rafting and a modular belt system by Think Tank in cities. I have other bags for other purposes.

Each bag isn't quite suitable as a “perfect” multipurpose bag. Some are heavy, not protective enough in all conditions, a pain to carry all day, or scream “Steal me!” Some aren't large enough, for some shoots.

With today's technology, in my opinion, it's not actually possible to design a “perfect camera gear bag.” If there were, camera stores wouldn't be carrying hundreds of camera bags from more than 60 manufacturers.

I decided to have some fun designing the “perfect” camera gear bag. The only problem is, some of it's technology hasn't been perfected, or even invented yet, but I think you'll agree that if made, this would be the “perfect” camera gear bag.

Maybe I should try to raise funds on KickStarter to research and manufacture it?

I've named it the “Tardis Camera Bag.” You'll understand why momentarily.

We'll be manufacturing the bag under the name Dr. Who Inc. The bag is priced at $19.63 US, shipping included to anywhere in the galaxy. (Put in a comment at the end of the article if you can figure out how the time lords set that price.)

The Tardis bag has external dimensions of about 10" x 8" x 5" (25.4cm x 20.3cm x 12.7cm). It can be used as a sling, shoulder, belt or backpack bag according to the user's desire at any time. It will come in three colors: navy blue, royal blue and slate blue. While the bag is relatively small, like the Tardis transport, it has infinite room inside it. It has organizing partitions and heavy-duty padding to ensure no damage to the gear inside, even if hit by a bus, truck or spaceship.

The Tardis bag is completely fireproof and will withstand an explosion up to a nuclear equivalent of 100MT. Inside the bag it has a fire and explosive suppression system in case of exploding batteries or other explosive or incendiary devices.

With it's built-in anti-gravity outer shell, the Tardis bag will weigh 2oz (57 grams), at all times, adjusted for local gravity, fully loaded, with any amount of gear inside it. That way it will hang nicely on any planet and be easy to carry. Of course, the bag would be fully waterproof, and protect its contents from temperature extremes by keeping the bag's internal temperature at a constant 68°F (20°C) and an internal relative humidity of no more than 10%.

The Tardis bag is an anti-theft bag. Tuned to the owner's and designee's internal nervous system, it will utilize a stun wave, similar to that produced by a “Dinosaur stun gun,” to render all others unconscious (no permanent harm will come to those stunned) who attempt to touch, lift, or otherwise pilfer the bag. That will give the bag's owner time to call for the police and have the thief taken into custody. The bag's surveillance system videos can be uploaded to any police department computer system, to be used as evidence.

The bag is voice controlled. (The voice sounds eerily like Jon Pertwee.) The owner sets the master control using a special code supplied by Dr. Who Inc. to imprint their voice. The bag owner can designate other users and imprint their voices on a temporary or permanent basis.

The Tardis bag is continuously powered by the "Eye of Harmony," through a small internal antenna in the top of the bag, regardless of where the bag is located in the galaxy. At this time, the bag comes with a permanent, perpetual, royalty-free, license to draw whatever power is necessary to run it.

If you lose the Tardis bag, never fear. It's equipped with a super-powered RFID tag and homing jet. Through your smartphone's Tardis bag app, available for iOS and Android, you can locate the bag anywhere in the galaxy and remotely order it to return to your position. It should take no more than 27 seconds to return to you from any point in the galaxy.

At this time, the Tardis bag comes with a $5 US coupon to purchase the only "extra" available for it. For $10 US, $5 US with the coupon, you can add shield technology to the Tardis bag. It will shield you and the bag, while you are wearing it, or if within 20 feet (6 meters) of it, if you've temporarily set the bag down. The shield is an impervious bubble giving virtually total protection anywhere in the galaxy, even to Daleks. The shield provides a breathable atmosphere for human life while activated. At this time, the shield (version 1.0.8) can protect up to a family of four, plus grandparents and siblings, and ten friends or traveling companions, simultaneously.

Frankly, at $19.63, plus 5 bucks for the shield, the bag's a steal!!!